Unsent Letters

The View

2006-06-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

Maybe that is how you see me. And maybe I'm not ready to admit it if that's the truth, I want to go on pretending a little bit longer that is not how I am. I am a many a fucked up things but I just can't see myself that way.

I can tell the end is near and well, being who I am, I'm prepared. Because it's always just a matter of time. I know I will miss you but that won't stop me from letting it happen. Then I have fleeting thoughts of being strong and honest and not letting it go. Then go back to my reality and can't stop it from happening.

I like to think it's my fault for being who I am. And I wonder 'if' and a part of me hopes and I realize it is because of who I am but not for the parts I'm thinking of.

So now I'll walk away like it doesn't matter, like it doesn't hurt. I'll go back to my pity party now.

Selfish

2006-05-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry that I am so selfish. But obviously I am not sorry enough or I would walk away.

My only solution that I can think of, a kind of a compromise is to ask if you'd just start again with someone else. Because if that's the case I may as well get mine if you're going to continue no matter what. But if that's not the case then we will stop, no worries.

But I will miss it. A lot.

Gentle

2006-05-15T09:47:00.000-05:00

You are kind, sweet, and gentle.

Just your presence is calming.

Your quiet ways balance me out.

You are fun.

And you make me laugh.

In another time and place I would want to be your girl.

And it takes me to the harsh light of reality.

And I realize I am broken.

But even if I could, you couldn't. And you wouldn't. Even though you can see it too. And maybe that's the best part about it, about you.

You restore my faith and give me something to look forward to. You make me say, maybe someday. Where I could only say never again. I know now is not the time but to realize maybe that time will come again, that in itself means a lot.

Friends

2006-05-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

You have become one of my bestest friends.

The other day I found myself being honest with you. I was sad and fustrated and scared and I let you in at that moment and it scared me even more.

It's wonderful to laugh and be honest with each other the way we are. You are a great friend. But when it comes to certain emotions I'm scared to share them with anyone. I'm scared maybe once I start letting some of them go that they may all come rushing out. And that's no fun, it's just a burden and I don't want to be a burden.

And sometimes when I am sad the bestest thing for me is you making me laugh.

And I don't want to need you.

As with everything I just keep thinking that it's just a matter of time so let me back up now before I get hurt. Stupid me though, I'd be hurting regardless so I guess I should say before it would hurt even more.

I guess the way I see it is I benefit so much from you but have nothing to offer in return so why do you bother?

And I want to be honest about the way I see things but I don't think I can.

If I wasn't so selfish I would be honest and just say how I feel because I know you'd tell me how silly it is. And you'd make fun of me and all would be right in my world.

Thank you for being such a good friend. I only hope I return the favor someday.

The Truth

2006-05-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

I want to be craved.

I just want the wanting though. Not for anything to change. Just to hear you say the words.

I want to hear tender sweet things. To be kissed passionately.

I want to evoke passion from you.

I want you to contemplate ways in which for us to be together.

I do want to know why you are doing this. How many times before. Have you been caught? Does she suspect?

I want to feel your skin against mine. I want to be showered with affection.

I want to know what you are thinking. Is there anyway that you could be honest with me? I highly doubt it. I doubt you'd give yourself to me like that. You could though, I want you to. I want so much to give. I need to give so that I can forget. I want to give so that maybe you will give me the same thing, I guess in all honesty.

You confuse me so much.

Who are you. Are you really the contradiction that I want to believe you are. Hurting like me or are you really who I don't want to believe that you are.

I want to believe that you are good. I really want to ask you why and get an honest answer. Even if it's not the answer I want to hear.

What do I want to hear?

I guess that you're like me. Needing. Broken even.

What don't I want to hear. That you do it just to see if you can and then it doesn't matter aymore after you know that you can.

But really the two are the same I guess.

I wish I didn't have to think so much.

I dream about you.

Your touch is like fire.

I will push you away and pretend that you don't matter.

But you do.

I hope you know that you can trust me. For real dough.

Sometimes I can't believe I am doing this. And I wish I wouldn't. I wish I could go back and we could just be friends. But even if this didn't happen we couldn't have just been friends it's not in our cards. So I take what I can get. And he was right it won't ever be enough and I know that. But for right now it's better then nothing. It's better then something I can't handle. It's better then me getting hurt. It's better then me falling in love.

I do wish we could just spend time together at the park with our girls. Laughing at them and each other. Yes more then likely at some point I would want to kiss you but I wouldn't. There are lots of times I want to kiss you. To feel the softness of you, the warmth. When you laugh you are so beautiful.

I wish I knew what you were thinking behind that smile and those sad eyes.

In The Beginning

2006-02-14T22:31:00.000-06:00

...there was one.